I have a playlist I like listening to on the way to work called “Upbeat.” I admit most of the music is performed by The Piano Guys–they just inspire me, can’t say why. Maybe because a large portion of their music is upbeat. (Sorry, that’s the best I can come up with.) Anyway they do a cover of a Taylor Swift song called “Begin Again.” I chose the song for my playlist before I knew the lyrics or who made it popular, in fact, I chose it for the way I felt when I listened to the music. After I read the title, I had a flood of thoughts crowd in to my mind as I turned over the phrase several times.
Gaining more life years and looking back over my shoulder does something to me. I rejoice and I feel anxiety at the same time. I ask the questions, “Is this the last time I will ever. . .” or “Will I live long enough to . . .” This was brought home to me recently when I was cleaning out my quilting studio to make room for some family members who were planning to move back in with my husband and I for a while. I physically handled all the items in my fabric stash, my sewing and craft tools, my projects in clear little square boxes latched shut for which I had plans to open and finish. Instead, I opened many of them prematurely and dealt out the non-salvageable portions of cut and sewn bits of quilts. Memories of classes and get-togethers, even some favorite series I had watched on the screen as I cut and sewed, came into my mind, and I was forced to relive parts of my life just by touching the fabrics. I couldn’t work very fast–it was too difficult emotionally as I came to the realization I will never live long enough to complete all these projects. In fact, realistically, I had to be very choosy about keeping any of them. Finally one of my daughters who was more objective than I am came to help me finish the project of emptying out the studio.
Because of this experience and others, I have made a conscious choice to first 1. enjoy the moment I’m in and 2. look forward, accept and anticipate the changes in my life that are happening to me as I age.
I have a false sense of security that today will end and tomorrow will start and I will still be on board and move right along, but I don’t know that. Now or ever. As things in my life have shifted and I move on to the next phase and I wonder how to sail these uncharted waters, I put on a brave face and create anew, or, begin again. Good, upbeat music helps.
Mom's Tender Mercies 